Christmas Insanity!
by Draknal
Summary: A series of crazy events that take place when the final battle is about to occur. Takes place around Christmas time. Chapter 5 is now ready! Muffins vs French Toast?
1. Chapter 1: The Discovery and the Maiming

Draknal: Alright! It's time for another fic by me! I am still working on my other fic "Fate of the Fang" but I am having some difficulty getting the plot and real events to blend. So for now, I came up with the idea for an INSANE humor fic. There is some coarse dialogue. This is a humor, it's meant to be funny, so don't flame me please. This would be my first humor fic, and I hope you guys like it!

Karla: Draknal doesn't own Fire Emblem or any of the characters, just the plot.

Draknal: On to the fic!

* * *

**Christmas Insanity!**

By: Draknal

**Chapter One: The Discovery and the Maiming**

Eliwood and his troop were on their way to the Dread Isle to fight Nergal and save the world.

They were on Fargus's ship and were crossing the sea from Badon.

"Ah, I love this time of year" said the group's tactician. His name was Jordan. He had short spiked brown hair, calm brown eyes, and a green traveler's cloak.

"What's so great about it? It's cold. I hate cold." Hector was always complaining about something.

"Well, for one thing, it's almost Christmas!" the tactician exclaimed.

"Oh, yeah. I guess with the whole "save the world" thing going on, we forgot about that."

One person in the group was confused about this. "Christmas?" asked Nils. "What's that?"

The tactician nearly fell over. "WHAT! You don't know?"

"Jordan, you have to remember, Nils isn't from around here. He doesn't know what it is." Said Eliwood.

"Oh, well Christmas is a wonderful time of year when we all get to share warm greetings with each other. We get to spend time with our loved ones. And we get presents! A magical fat man named Santa Claus brings presents to all the good people of the world!"

Nils eyes lit up with excitement. "Really? That sounds like fun. But, do you have to be good?"

"Yes, or else you get a lump of coal. Being good all year round will get you just about anything you want!"

Nils looked a bit puzzled. "But, couldn't you just go and take the presents?"

Jordan gasped. "NO! Stealing is not a good thing! Shame on you for thinking that! Besides, it's not like Santa would just fork over what it is you want."

He looked back at his now gathering troop.

"Anyway, you would have to actually _find_ the location of Santa's Secret Workshop. Then you'd have to get past his army of elves. And then you would have to beat Santa Claus himself."

Nils was intrigued. "You said that he was a fat man, so that shouldn't be too hard."

"Ah, I said a fat _magic_ man. Believe it or not, he's an Archsage. He's actually Athos's brother."

Eliwood popped up. "Wait a minute. He doesn't have a brother. If he did then wouldn't we know about him?"

"Well, he's actually Athos's _half_ brother. Too long a story to explain. But, Athos chose the path of 'person who saves the world' while Santa or Saint Nick, chose the path of 'person who brings joy to the world'. Actually he prefers being called Nick, not Santa or Saint Nicholas."

"He does fly in a sleigh though, doesn't he?" asked Lyn. "That's what I've always heard."

The tactician let out a sigh. "No, he uses a Warp staff to trvel around the world at amazing speeds. How else would he get around so fast?" he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Nils walked off to talk with Dart.

"Wait a second. Jordan, how would you happen to know all of this?" asked Hector.

"Uh… I don't. It's…just uh… I heard it from someone else… Yeah! That's it!"

"Okay," said Hector.

Jordan was amazed at how dense Hector could be some times.

"He lies!" hissed Nils, who now reappeared. He was wearing a patch over his left eye and was wearing a pirate hat.

"Nils, has Dart been telling you pirate stories again?" asked Jordan.

"Yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, YOU ARE LYING! You know all of this because you know where Santa IS!"

The tactician gulped nervously. "That's absurd Nils. How would I know where he is?"

All eyes turned upon him. He didn't like the looks on the faces of a few people of the group.

Serra turned to the tactician who was now sweating bullets. "Well, if you tell us, then we can go see him for ourselves and get what we want."

"Why would you _want_ to do that?" he asked a bit worried.

"Well, even though some of us are good ALL year round, we just aren't happy with what we get come Christmas. It would only be fair if we went to see Santa and _took_ what we deserve."

"Enough chat!" yelled Nils "GET HIM!"

The tactician made a break for it.

'Crap, please tell me this is not happening,' he thought to himself.

Fortunately for him, the only people who knew about this were Eliwood, Hector, Lyn, Serra, Nils, and Dart. It couldn't get too bad right?

He went to the two most responsible people on the ship, Kent and Fiora. He figured that if they sided with him, they could talk some sense into the rest of the group.

He ran into their room, completely out of breath. They were in the middle of a conversation about a new policy which would separate male and female warriors who were getting too close to each other.

"Jordan, is everything alright?" asked Kent.

He explained the situation to them. It didn't seem to have any effect on them though.

"Jordan you're just under a lot of stress. Go and rest. We'll see to it that you are not disturbed."

"Thank you Kent." With that he left and went to his room.

'Some rest will do me good. I'm sure this is all just some crazy dream or something. It'll all be over after a bit of sleep.'

A bit of sleep ended up doing more harm than good. While he was resting, some of the troop snuck in and ambushed him.

They put a sack over his head so he couldn't see and dragged him out to the main deck.

Only after he was being held down by some of the group, was the sack taken off.

'Oh no… they didn't…'

Oh yes they did. Now quite a few more were gathered then just the previous six.

About three quarters of the group were there. Nils stepped forward.

"Har har har… Well matey, it seems we've bested ye. Now you'll be telling us the location of the Secret Workshop, or else we'll be forced to keelhaul your carcass off the boat until ye do."

"What?" asked some of the gathered members.

"It means, we'll drag him under the water by using weights and a rope until he tells us where to find Santa!" said Nils angrily.

"Oh…"

"I'm not saying anything…" answered Jordan. Then he turned his head to the side as if to ignore Nils.

Nils laughed. "Oh, a quiet one eh? Well, we have ways of makin ye talk."

He pulled from his pocket a long, chewy looking, green piece of candy.

The tactician's eyes went wide. OO

"No, not that… WHERE DID YOU GET MY TAFFY!" Jordan was outraged.

"We got it from your stash in Merlinus's tent." Nils chuckled a little. "Amazing what some people will do for a little bribe."

"Merlinus you TURNCOAT!" Jordan was furious at being betrayed, again.

The chubby transporter appeared. "Sorry, young tactician, but they promised that I would get a bigger tent from Santa. They said that giving them the taffy would get you to reveal the location on Santa's Workshop."

"Now then, landlubber. Tell us or else…"

"Or else what!" he asked.

"Serra." Nils turned to the pink haired Cleric, who now had a pair of scissors out.

He handed her the taffy. She then cut a piece off and it dropped into the sea.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The tactician was horrified.

"You little bastard! I'll kill you if it's the last thing I do!"

"That is going to cost you. Do it!" Nils turned towards Serra again.

'Snip'. Another piece fell into the cold dark water.

"Stop! Please! No more!" begged the tactician.

Nils looked him in the eye. "All you have to do is tell us where the workshop is…"

"Okay! I'll tell you!"

Nils smirked. "Go on."

"The North Pole, the workshop is at the North Pole!"

Nils frowned. "FOOL! They have informed me that everyone knows he lives at the North Pole! Do you think me so stupid!"

He grabbed the taffy from Serra and threw the whole thing overboard.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The tactician was in pain again. He longed to lunge at the little bard and beat him to a pulp with his flute. But because he was being held down by Hector, Raven, and Eliwood, he was in no position to do anything.

Nils withdrew another piece of taffy from his pocket, only this time it was red.

"No, not the cherry… That's my favorite!" Jordan looked like he was about ready to cry.

"I want specific locations! Where _exactly_ at the North Pole is he?"

The tactician was struggling to get away from the people restraining him.

"I don't know! I honestly don't know!" he almost sounded convincing.

"Oh" said Nils. He turned around and began walking away. Then he stopped. "LIAR!" He ran at the tactician and began pummeling him with his flute.

Then he grabbed the taffy and proceeded to eat it. Unfortunately for him, he had an allergy to cherries that he didn't know about. He turned green in the face and ran to the side of the ship. Loud gurgling and vomiting sounds could be heard.

After he was finished with his little episode, Nils ordered that Jordan be tied up, hands bound together behind his back, and his ankles together.

'I have to stall for time, so I can try and get some help, or escape.'

"Hey, what would you guys want from Santa anyway?"

Erk answered first. "I want the biggest can of Serra repellant he has. Last year he gave me a magic tome to attack Serra with, but guess what he got her. A Barrier Staff! So she was still able to annoy me!"

Jordan turned to Serra. "What about you?"

The pink haired she-devil took a moment to think. "Hmm… I know! I would want a dog collar with an unbreakable chain! That way my Erky couldn't run away from me!"

Soon everyone was just going around saying what they wanted.

Kent and Fiora both wanted the perfect gift for each other, but they didn't know what it was. They figured Santa would just have something that would be good.

They were too busy talking about Christmas presents to notice the tactician waddling away towards the railing of the ship (waddling because his ankles were still bound, as well as his hands).

He got to the edge of the railing when they finally noticed they were short one tactician.

'Let's see, I can either stay here and be tortured or jump into the water and either die from impact, drowning, or even the cold temperature.'

"He's gonna jump!" screamed Nils. "Get him!"

Everyone rushed to get him. Right before they could lay a hand on him he jumped.

Jordan knew how far the drop was and didn't want to have to witness the impact. So he closed his eyes. However, he never hit the water.

He decided that something had stopped him from his descent, but what. He opened his eyes and his jaw dropped.

Farina was on her Pegasus and was holding onto the tactician. Her Lance had skewered the cape of his cloak.

She winked at him. "You're not getting away that easily."

"What could you possibly want that you're money couldn't buy!" he asked.

Farina gave him an innocent smile. "Why, more money of course!"

She flew over the boat and dropped him onto the deck.

Everyone jumped at him at once. They tied up him even more than he already was, and threw him onto the deck.

Nils once again stepped forward. "Oh, a valiant effort, I'll give you that. But you failed! I didn't want to do this, but now you give me no other choice."

"What are you going to do, harm more inanimate objects to get me to talk?"

"Oh, you wish. Instead we're going to have to stick you in a room with…"

"Don't even finish that sentence… You wouldn't DARE put me in a room with the pink haired devil Serra!"

"Devil! Why I never!" Serra said in a sarcastic tone. "See if I bother healing you in the future. Can you guys imagine, me a devil?"

Everyone averted their eyes and started to whistle.

"No, not Serra. We are going to send you in a room with…"

Several members of the group moved out of the way to reveal…

Florina!

Jordan burst out laughing. "HAHAHA! Oh my god! You're kidding! Are you retarded or something! She's deadly afraid of men! What's she gonna do? Scream at me till I die?"

"Oh no Jordan, we have something that will change that."

Lucius came out from the stairway to the lower deck.

"LUCIUS! NOT YOU TOO!" Jordan was shocked that the mild mannered Bishop of Elimine would also turn against him.

"You're always such a nice person, how could you not get what you want at Christmas?"

Lucius didn't respond at first. Then he mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that Lucius?"

"I said… Santa thinks I'm a girl!"

Jordan couldn't hold back a laugh. "Well it's not like he gives you thongs and bras and things like that."

"…No comment."

oO

"Well how does this pertain to me and Florina in a room?"

Lucius pulled from his robes a Staff. It was a gold Staff with a Blood Red orb on the end of it. Jordan instantly recognized it as a Berserk Staff.

They cut Jordan's bonds and shoved him into a cabin. Then they put in Florina. Right before they closed the door, Lucius cast the Berserk spell.

Red energy flowed forth from the staff and engulfed Florina. For a minute, her eyes turned red, then they went back to normal.

Then before the rampage to come started, Nils and his group closed and barred the door.

At first nothing happened. Then they could hear Jordan trying to talk to Florina.

"Florina? Please think about what you are doing. Don't hurt me. I didn't mean what I said about you earlier."

Florina didn't respond.

Silence fell upon the room. Then all of a sudden there was a loud crash.

'BOOM' 'SMASH'

It was followed by Florina yelling, no, shrieking, "DON'T RUN BITCH! DON'T RUN! IT'S ONLY GONNA HURT MORE WHEN I CATCH YOU!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!" The tactician was clearly in a great deal of pain.

At one point in time, a Lance impaled itself in the door.

Nils was laughing maniacally. "You still have time to save yourself! Just tell us what we want to know!"

"FLORINA! NO! AAAAAAAAAACCCCKKK! MY LEG! NO NOT THAT! I NEED THAT! MY SPLEEN!"

'SMASH'

"ARE YOU STILL MOVING! I'LL JUST HAVE TO BREAK YOUR SPINE WON'T I! THEN I'LL GET YOUR LEGS!" Florina yelled.

They heard the handle of the door jiggle, but then it stopped and they instead thought they heard fingernails on the floor, which meant Florina was dragging him away form the door.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Silence…

They could hear Florina yell again, but Jordan didn't respond.

"Holy hell, I think she killed him," said Eliwood.

"One of you open the door," said Nils.

"You do it!" said Serra, "you're the leader!"

In the end they decided to draw straws. Poor Hector… He drew the short straw.

He walked over to the door and proceeded to slowly open it. He peeked inside.

"Guys, I don't see him. There's broken furniture, some torn cape shreds, a few weapons impaled in random objects…"

Then Hector saw the limp body of the tactician. He was on his stomach, with Florina on his back, bending his leg into a most uncomfortable position. It looked like it was about ready to snap.

"Scream one more time for help and I'll break your leg!" Florina was still in the mood to hurt him. "Go ahead!"

Hector closed the door again. He turned around to the gathered crowd.

"Uh, Nils, we can't get any information from him if he's dead. You might want to do something about this."

Nils and some other members of his group peered inside the room. Florina was no longer in the process of breaking his legs, no she was standing above him with a very heavy looking desk above her head. She was gonna drop it on him!

"Oh no!" said Nils. "Okay, we need to stop her from doing anything rash, but we can't let him escape again. If we use a restore staff on her before she drops the desk, then we should be able to…"

'**SMASH**'

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!"

"Damn, too late for that. Oh well…" said Nils.

Then they heard Florina scream.

"EEEK!"

They ran into the room to see Florina sitting in a corner. She looked about ready to cry.

"W-What happened? S-Someone hurt Jordan." Florina said in her meek tone.

Apparently she had no memory of decapitating the tactician…

* * *

Draknal: That had to hurt... 

Guy: What do you have against that guy?

Draknal: Nothing, it's just funny seeing people suffer in strange ways.

Raven: At least you included us in this fic.

Draknal: Yup! If you reviewers have any suggestions to further things I could do to the tactician then let me know! I will add anythig that is given to me.

Karla: R&R! No flames, or we'll track you down and kill you. Besides, this is a humor fic.


	2. Chapter 2: Curse of Callow Oafs

Draknal: I have the second chapter ready to go!

Guy: That was fast…

Draknal: Yep, quickest I've ever done it. -grins like an idiot-

Raven: Okay, are you going to get on with it or not?

Draknal: Yep! But first, the disclaimer!

Karla: Draknal does not own Fire Emblem or any of the characters, just the plot.

Draknal: Role that fic!

* * *

**Christmas Insanity!**

By: Draknal

**Chapter 2: Curse of Callow Oafs**

'Oh my aching head…' Jordan began to stir. He could only faintly remember the events that took place not too long ago.

He sat up, and looked around.

'It looks like I'm in a cabin on the ship.'

But, no one else was in the room. He figured Nils and his "henchmen" would be torturing him some more.

Just then the doorknob turned.

'They're back! They won't get me this time,' He thought to himself.

He grabbed a pillow and waited next to the door.

Slowly it opened. Someone entered the room. Because it was so dark, he couldn't tell who it was.

He jumped at them, swinging the pillow wildly.

'You're not gonna get me a second time!' he yelled.

He landed a hit on his target and they were knocked to the floor with a yelp.

Jordan lit a candle so he could see who he had managed to get. He figured it was Serra or Nils.

Much to his surprise it was neither. The unfortunate victim of his attack was Nino.

"Oh my god! Nino, I am so sorry! I thought you were Nils, or one of his flunkies!"

She was on the ground rubbing her head where the blow had landed.

However, before she could speak someone else darted into the room.

He surveyed what was going on. He looked at Nino, who was on the ground, and then at Jordan, who was standing over her with a pillow in his hands.

'God no, why did she have to be the one I hit with the pillow…'

Jordanknew that if he stood around he would either be killed, or maimed beyond recognition.He hadn'teven fully recovered from the Florina incident yet!

The figure in the room wore a black cloak and had daggers at his side.

Oh yes, Jordan knew who it was alright. It was the infamous, overly protective of Nino, emotionless, Angel of Death, Jaffar.

* * *

"Okay, the beating him up thing, didn't go as well as I had planned. We need to try a different approach." Said Nils. "Anyone have any ideas?" 

"Well, we could always blackmail him, there's no physical brutality involved with that," said Matthew.

"I like that, but we don't have any dirt on him," answered Nils.

"Oh no worries master, I'm sure Legault and I can dig up something on him."

"Very well then, get to it."

With hat the two thieves were off.

Canas stepped forward. "Nils, I believe I have an idea that will be just as effective."

"Oh really, then share your idea with us."

He whispered something into Nils's ear.

Slowly a stupid grin appeared on his face.

"Excellent Canas, get on it right away!"

"I will require some things from Sain though."

"Nils was still grinning like an idiot. "Yes yes, you have my full permission to use anything we have."

* * *

Jaffar turned his gaze from Nino, to the tactician, then back to Nino. He could only figure that the tactician had assaulted her. 

Jaffar reached for his daggers.

"Jaffar wait! This isn't what it looks like!" Jordan was begging for him to hear him out.

Apparently he wasn't listening. He started walking towards the tactician, with rage, and death in his eyes.

'Damnit Jaffar, why must you be so protective of her!' Jordan thought to himself.

Right as Jaffar was about to reach him, Nino grabbed hold of him.

"Jaffar it's okay. He thought I was with Nils and those other weirdos. Besides it was only a pillow." Nino had better luck getting through to him.

He sheathed his daggers and motioned for her to go out of the room.

At the door she turned to him. "Aren't you coming Jaffar?" she asked.

"In a minute," he replied.

After she left the room he walked over to the tactician.

"Thanks for not killing me Jaffar, it was just one big misunder…"

His words were cut short as Jaffar grabbed him by the throat.

"Ugh… can't breathe…Jaffar…"

He stared into the tactician's eyes.

"Don't ever touch her again. Don't even think about it in the future… All you are ever going to do is give her battle orders, understand?"

The tactician let out a grunt as to signify that he had made his point.

Jaffar released his grip.

"I know what you were up to," said Jaffar.

"What was I up to? I was trying to defend myself from Nils and his group!"

"Sure you were… pervert." Jaffar turned and left.

Jordan was speechless.

His eyes were wide. OO

'He thinks I was gonna… EWW! She's not even that great lookin anyway! And besides, she's still just a child…'

He didn't dare say this out loud, lest Jordan want to risk Jaffar coming back.

'Well, at least I know my day can't get any worse than it has started off…'

Just then Serra came walking in the room.

'Oh, why do the gods hate me so… Elimine! What have I done to deserve this!' he thought to himself.

Serra was a bit miffed at him. "What are doing out of bed! How are you supposed to heal if you are up and about?"

He figured that he shouldn't mention his encounter with Jaffar.

"Serra, what happened yesterday? I remember Florina went nuts, attacked me, then dropped a huge desk on me. But then I blacked out."

Serra sniggered at the memory of seeing meek little Florina bending the tactician's legs and dropping furniture on him. "Well, we had to drag your body out of that room, down a flight of steps, and into this room. Then we applied various healing spells."

"Why exactly did you guys drag me?" he asked. "Couldn't you guys have gotten someone to carry me?"

"Well after that fiasco, everyone was comforting Florina from the shock of the event."

"They were helping _her_! She nearly kills me and they are _comforting _her! There is no justice in the world anymore!" He was fuming now.

Serra gave him a death glare. "Well she is afraid of men and she doesn't like violence! How do you think she felt waking up from that and seeing a maimed young man on the ground!"

Realizing he couldn't win against someone so stubborn, Jordan dropped the argument.

"Right, so anyway, what are you doing…"

'WHACK'

His words were once again cut off.

Serra had smashed him over the head with her heal staff when he had his back turned to her.

A few other people entered the room and put Jordan on his bed.

Then Canas entered. He pulled out a book and a small bowl. He began to mix ingredients in the bowl. He added things that, not even he knew what they were. He had gotten them from Sain. A lock of Sain's hair, some of his cologne, some magic powder (Canas's magic powder), and last but not least, a little bit of dark magic.

After he ground the mess into a fine dust, he began to chant. When the incantation was complete, he blew the dust onto the tactician.

"He knows not what awaits him when he wakes up." Canas chuckled to himself.

They left the room and closed the door. The tactician would be out for a few hours.

* * *

"Damn…why must everyone hit me over the head…" he was awake again. 

He looked around. 'I'm in the same room. Other than my head hurting I feel fine.'

He decided to look around for some of the other people. Surely they were over the "Santa Fever" as he called it, by now.

He walked onto the main deck. Rebecca was standing by the railing.

Jordan figured he would just talk to her for a bit, and see if she was with Nils or not.

He approached her and was getting ready to talk, but before he could…

"Oh, such a beautiful flower as yourself should not be out here alone! Allow me to give you my company."

'Ugh', he thought. Sain must have been nearby. No one else would use such corny pickup lines.

He looked around to find him, but Sain was nowhere to be found.

'But then… where did…'

"Surely there is no other that could compare to your beauty! Oh how I would long to be yours and only yours!"

-GASP-

'No…'

Rebecca was blushing. "That's very sweet of you to say."

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

He realized the corny pickup lines… were coming from him.

'Rebecca! You have to help me! I'm not myself!' That is what he thought.

What came out was. "I can not help but be beside myself with joy! Being with you would forever make me happy Rebecca!"

'I have to get away from here. I-I need to be alone so I can figure out what is going on!'

He turned and started walking away, but before he went down the stairs, he couldn't stop himself from saying, "Until we meet again, oh wondrous Sniper of beauty!"

He was beat red after that. Just to be safe, he went to his room, closed, and barred the door.

"What is wrong with me! I just made a fool out of myself! Why couldn't I control what I was saying!"

He decided that he would stay in his room for a while, hoping that whatever was wrong with him would just wear off.

* * *

A knock came at the door. 

"Jordan, are you in there?" It was Eliwood.

"Yes milord. Is there something you need?"

"I just wanted to talk to you for a bit."

Jordan figured it would be safe to let him in.

Eliwood sat down in a chair at a desk in the room.

"What did you want to talk about?" Although Eliwood was his lord, he kept in mind that he was working with Nils. "Do you have a message from Nils?"

"Well, I decided that what he was doing was wrong, so I am not going to help him anymore. Besides, I am supposed to be the responsible level-headed one in the group right?" Eliwood grinned.

The tactician was relieved to know that he had an ally now.

"Well, Rebecca said you were acting funny earlier."

'Twang'

"Oh, such a beautiful young lady. Surely no other could come close to her beauty!"

Eliwood was now very confused and afraid.

"Uh, Jordan are you okay?"

"ARGH! This is what is wrong! I feel fine talking to you right now, but earlier when I was talking with _her_ I couldn't stop myself from hitting on her."

"Well, it might just be a one day thing. Who knows, maybe you like her."

"But that's just it! I don't _like_ her, at least not in that way. I couldn't control myself."

"Well, I shall take my leave. I hope whatever is wrong with you wears off."

With that, Eliwood left.

'Okay, I'll just have to steer clear of Rebecca for today then.'

He left his room and went to get something to eat.

* * *

Before he went into the dining area, he peeked inside to see if Rebecca was there. 

'Phew, she's not there.'

Jordan grabbed some food and took a seat with Wil and Rath.

"Any idea what awaits us on the Dread Isle?" asked Wil. "Other than Nergal and his morphs that is."

"I don't know. We have had plenty of surprises on our journey, so I wouldn't put anything past Nergal," said Jordan.

"…" said Rath.

While in the middle of a conversation on tactics involved with archers, Lyn walked by.

'Twang'

Jordan got up from his table and followed her.

When Lyn noticed she was being followed, she turned around to face her pursuer.

"Yes Jordan? Do you need something?"

"No Lady Lyndis, just being able to gaze upon your beauty is enough…"

'NO! What am I doing!'

"Are you feeling okay?"

"My heart, it aches to forever be by your side, but I know a way you can help to fix that."

Lyn's eyebrow began to twitch out of anger.

'SLAP!'

Lyn turned on her heel and left the dazed tactician on the floor.

"Something is wrong with you, you're starting to sound like Sain," she said over her shoulder.

'AH-HA! Something is obviously forcing me to act like Sain! But, what could it be?'

All he knew was that he had to avoid all of the women on the boat. That couldn't be too hard right?

Just then all of the women began pouring into the dining area to eat.

'Crap…'

'Well, if I can't see them, I can't hit on them!'

* * *

He closed his eyes and made a mad dash for the door. However, right as he was about to make it out, someone got in his way. 

Jordan ran right into them and they tumbled backwards.

When he opened his eyes, he saw that he had run into Florina!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Don't hurt me!"

"EEEEEK!"

Jordan curled up into the fetal position and closed his eyes.

Eliwood walked in and saw what was happening.

A few of the people had to restrain Farina, so she wouldn't hurt the tactician for running into her sister.

Eliwood ran over to Jordan and helped him up, then took him back to his room.

After recovering from his close encounter, Jordan decided to tell Eliwood what he had found out.

"So, you think this has to do with Sain?"

"It must! I am acting like him for Elimine's sake! I have hit on just about every girl I've seen!" exclaimed the tactician.

"Yep, that does sound like Sain. You go and talk to him and I'll try to find out what I can from anyone else."

Eliwood and Jordan left the room both going their different ways.

Sain was in his room, talking to himself about who was the most beautiful girl on the ship.

"Sain, I need to talk with you for minute."

"Ah, master tactician, what can I do for you!"

"Has anything out of the ordinary taken place here? Has anyone asked for anything that might seem unusual?"

"Hmm…well Nils asked me for some things earlier today, and I haven't gotten them back yet."

'Nils… I am gonna kill him…'

"Thank you, that will be all."

He left the room in search of the bard.

When he finally found him, he couldn't restrain himself.

* * *

Nils was in his room talking to himself and laughing maniacally. 

The tactician lunged at him, knocking him off of his bed.

"Ah! What are you doing!" Nils screamed.

He had his hands wrapped around the young bard's neck.

"Gonna…kill…you…" he said half psychotically half angrily through clenched teeth.

"What did you do to me! I am acting like SAIN!"

Nils, although being choked, had enough air to laugh.

"Ha ha ha! I had a curse placed on you by Canas! And you know how to have it removed. Just tell me…"

"NEVER!"

His grip on Nil's neck tightened.

"Must… kill… No one will miss you! You can't fight, so I won't feel so bad about this army being short one bard!"

Nils was turning different shades of colors in the face.

Right now he was about a dark blue.

Then out of the corner of his eye he saw Karla walk by.

'Twang'

'No, I must kill him!' one side of his mind said.

'But we cannot let such a fierce radiant beauty escape!' the other side said.

He could feel his grip loosening.

'I must kill!'

'Love is stronger!'

'But I'm not in love!'

'Your better half begs to differ!'

To compensate both sides of his feuding mind, he went after Karla dragging Nils by his scarf.

When he got into the hall she was gone.

'No! You see! If you had let him go, we could have caught her!'

'There areother fish in the sea! But there isonly one person I want to hurt badly right now!'

* * *

"EEK! What are you doing to my brother!" 

'Oh boy…'

Ninian had come down the hallway with Eliwood when she saw the tactician strangling her brother.

"Jordan stop! You're going to kill him!" yelled Eliwood.

"He must suffer! He did this to me!"

Trying hard as he could, Eliwood managed to pry Jordan off of Nils, and not a moment too soon.

The bard had fainted due to lack of air.

Eliwood and Ninian took Nils into his room and closed the door so the tactician could not try to hurt him further.

'Damn! So close… oh well. I'll hurt him somemore later...'

He turned to leave. As he was going down the hall, Nino and Jaffar rounded the corner.

'Twang!'

'NOOO! I don't want to die!'

He turned around and started walking the other way.

Priscilla and Raven came around that corner.

'Twang!'

'Shit! Why did it have to be two girls followed by their over protective acquaintances!'

Both pairs of people were drawing closer and closer.

If he hit on Nino, Jaffar would gut him on the spot.

If he hit on Priscilla, Raven would ensure that he lost all bodily functions.

He had two options, but neither were very good. So, he picked the one that would hopefully ensure that he live.

'WHAM!'

Jordan slammed his head into the wall and fell down unconscious.

Priscilla and Nino each wanted to help the tactician, but Raven and Jaffar just told them to keep walking.

They stepped over him and just kept on going.

-End Chapter-

* * *

Draknal: Woohoo! Chapter 2 is done! I would personally like to thank two of my reviewers for suggestions that I put in the fic.

Karla: You put me in the fic, if only for s second.

Draknal: Well yeah, Raven has already been seen so I figured I'd put you in. Guy will be in the next one.

Guy: Yeah!

Raven: You're damn right about that guy hitting on Priscilla. I'd do more than just make him lose all bodily functions…

Draknal: -backs away nervously- okay…

Karla: R&R please!

* * *

**"Reviewer Responses"**

**The Tactician's Brother**: I'm sorry you interpreted it that way. I didn't kill him off! There would be no plot without him!

**Mel, the Undercover Reviewer**: Thank you, I hope you continue to read this fic.

**Gingy Mittens**: I loved your review! Thank you so much! I hope the rest of these chapters make you laugh just as much. I included you request this chapter!

**Ardrsil**: Thank you, I will.

**Darkness-Aura**: Wow! I didn't think I would get such a great review. I am really glad you enjoyed the chapter! If you have any suggestions for future chapters, let me know!

**Nightmare3**: Ah, my friend. Thank you so much. I used your line, if you don't mind. Further suggestions would be appreciated! Wait till you see what I have in store next! I might include authors as spectators later! Oops… shouldn't have said that…


	3. Chapter 3: French toast Fiasco

Draknal: Wow, about time I got this updated.

Karla: -Whacks him on the back of the head- Bad! You made your reviewers wait for so long!

Draknal: Ouch… Thank you to all who reviewed! I'd like to see more people review!

Guy: You shouldn't make demands of your reviewers.

Draknal: Quiet you, or no chapter for you! Now, disclaimer please.

Raven: Draknal does not own Fire Emblem or any of the characters, only the plot.

Draknal: Role that fic!

* * *

**_> > > > > > > > > > >ATTENTION! ATENCION! ATTENTION! ATENCION! ATTENTION! ATENCION! ATTENTION! > > > > > > > > > >_ _>_**

Draknal: Did that get your attention? Please read this part! It's very important! It concerns you the reader!

Draknal: Unfortunately I have to delay the fic a little. I felt I should say this now instead of at the end, since most people neglect to read the end after the fic...

Draknal: I am in a pit of a pickle, and I need some help from the reviewers! Yes! You! I need to figure out who the couples are in this fic! After you read my fic, review and in your review, tell me who you think looks best with these girls (for couples sake). I will take the average choice for each couple. What you list, will impact and possibly change this story!

Draknal: Here are the girls who need to be coupled! Lyn, Florina, Fiora, Farina, Rebecca, Priscilla, Nino, and Serra (shudders). For my good buddy Nightmare3, a special e-mail concerning the couplings is coming your way! I think you know what its about. ;)

Draknal: Now, on to the fic! ROLE IT! And, thank you for reading! (P.S- Isadora, Louise, Vaida, Ninian, and Karla are not mentioned above for a reason!)

* * *

**Christmas Insanity!**

By: Draknal

**Chapter 3: French toast Fiasco**

Eliwood was still with Ninian in Nils' room. He stayed on her request, just in case Jordan decided to come back to finish the job.

"What would make him act that way?" asked Ninian.

"I'm not sure… he's been under a lot of stress, and he said something about Nils and a conspiracy."

Nils was still unconscious, however he had returned to his normal color, since he was now able to breathe.

"Um, Lord Eliwood, I must leave for a moment."

"Oh, well allow me to accompany you Ninian," replied Eliwood.

"Well, I would normally ask you to join me, but it will not take long and I need someone to stay here, just in case Jordan comes back."

"I understand. No harm will come to him while you are gone."

Ninian exited the room. Like she had said it did not take long to do whatever it is she went off to do.

"Wow, that was fast. What were you doing?" asked an inquisitive Eliwood.

"Oh, just seeing to something. It's not important."

* * *

Out in the hallway, not too far away, Jordan the tactician was just waking up. 

"Oh… I'm alive, thank Elimine." He decided to get out of the hallway so no one else would step on him.

It was obvious that people didn't bother stepping over him, as he had many footprints on him to prove it.

'I'll go look for someone to talk to who won't maim, murder, or curse me.' With that he was off.

Nils awoke soon enough.

"Please don't kill me!" he screamed.

"It's okay Nils, he's not here right now" said Ninian. "You're safe."

Nils looked around the room just to make sure.

He let out a sigh of relief.

"Nils, may I ask why he wanted to brutally strangle you?" asked Eliwood.

"Uh, something about me making fun about him…" the young Bard lied. "I swear I didn't do anything!"

"Are you sure you're telling the truth?" asked Ninian.

"Sis, I'm telling you the truth! I'm innocent of anything he said I did!"

Then he gave a sad puppy dog look.

Neither Eliwood or Ninian could resist.

"Alright Nils, you can stop now, we believe you" said Ninian.

Eliwood still had his doubts.

* * *

Later he was in the middle of a conversation with Ninian about her dancing, when he heard a strange noise coming from down the hall. 

As it got closer it got louder. He was soon able to discern it as the young tactician.

"…aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh………..!" yelled the tactician as he ran past the room.

"What the?" asked a very confused Eliwood.

He peeked out the door to see what the tactician was doing when all of a sudden, a chair whizzed by his head. (when he leaned his head out into the hallway.)

Down the hall where Jordan had come from, Eliwood heard a 'SLICE!'. Then he heard another yell.

"YAAAAAA!."

This could only mean one thing… Karel.

Sure enough he looked down the hall and saw a psychotic Karel running after the tactician with his sword drawn.

'Jordan, what did you do now?' Eliwood asked himself.

Normally when Jordan was in trouble, Eliwood would help him out.

However he thought to himself, 'I like to help others, but I'm not about to commit suicide by getting in Karel's way.'

He did the only thing he could do to help the tactician.

"RUN JORDAN! RUN!"

Back to the furniture. Apparently Jordan was trying to throw things in Karel's path to slow him down.

It didn't seem to be working too well…

He threw a chair. 'SLICE' It ended up in two pieces.

A table… 'SLICE'.

A desk. 'How'd he manage that!' thought Eliwood. 'SLICE'

Erk. "YAA!"

'Ouch, that's gotta hurt…'

Yes indeed. Poor Erk. But fate had not let him off so easily.

"Elimine, why must you torture me in such brutal ways?" Erk thought aloud. "Just take me now!"

"I can see a bright light," said Erk. It was growing brighter.

'I'm going to heaven' thought Erk.

Then the light was eclipsed by the pink pig-tailed Cleric we all know and loathe!

"NOOOOOO!" screamed the mage. "I've been sent to hell! Make the devil go away!"

"Erk what are you doing lying in the hallway?" asked Serra in her annoyingly loud voice. "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm just resting, and I prefer the hallway floor as opposed to a bed…" said Erk sarcastically.

"You're a strange person…" Then Serra noticed the torn cape and the -ahem- very badly mutilated hair…

Apparently all Karel's attack was meant to do more mental harm than physical, as Erk wasn't his target.

Karel had maimed Erk's hair, which now was missing a huge strip down the middle of his head. He had also torn his cape in a few places, just because he knew that was Erk's favorite cloak.

"Oh you are hurt! I'll just have to tend to you."

But! Instead of healing him on the spot, she grabbed his legs and dragged him off somewhere, to "tend" to him.

The last thing heard from him was a loud, "NOOOOOOOO!".

* * *

Eliwood turned his attention back to the tactician and crazed Swordmaster. 

He saw them round a corner and decided to give chase, to see how this would turn out.

Jordan was cornered. Karel slowly advanced on him, with nothing on his mind but hurting the tactician, painfully, and slowly…

"Karel! Stop! What did I do to you!" screamed the tactician.

No answer.

Then, out of the corner of his eye he noticed something that would save his life.

Karel lunged at him and attacked with a downward stroke.

The tactician jumped out of the way and into the kitchen, which just happened to appear out of nowhere.

He grabbed a plate full of French toast and held it in front of Karel.

Karel lowered his word and stared at the French toast.

"Here boy! You want the French toast?" Jordan asked in the voice one would use as if asking a dog if it wants a treat.

Karel sat down and began to beg, much as a dog would.

"Jump!" he shouted.

Karel complied with the command.

"Stand!"

Again he followed the order.

"Play dead!"

"Don't press your luck…" growled Karel.

"Eep… okay. Here you go boy!" said Jordan as he threw the French toast.

Karel ran after it and began eating it viciously.

* * *

"Phew, glad that's over with." 

"Uh, Jordan, you do realize that was MY BREAKFAST!" yelled a now infuriated Lowen.

Unfortunately for the tactician, Lowen was in HIS domain, the kitchen. He was armed to the teeth with knives, spatulas, spoons, and not to mention pots and pans.

Even Karel was afraid at this point in time, as he grabbed what was left of the French toast and snuck out of the kitchen.

"Uh, heh. Lowen? Lowen! What are you doing with that Spatula! AYEEE!"

When Lowen had finished his assault on the tactician, he stomped off to get something else for breakfast.

Jordan crawled out of the kitchen with some utensils and cooking ware in some very… strange and painful places.

Eliwood let out a sigh as he grabbed the tactician and dragged him off to his room. He helped him get onto the bed and then decided it would be best not to ask about the Karel incident.

But, he was curious so he did ask. "Jordan, what did you do to get Karel so mad?"

He was still prying things out and off of himself when he answered that question.

"How the hell should I know? He's a nutball! I saw him getting ready to fight Guy so I decided to stop him. I reprimanded him for attacking his student, and the next thing I know… Psycho!"

He rolled onto his stomach so he could put his face in the pillow and sulk.

"Why does everyone feel they have to maim me! Honestly! This makes, what, the third time I have been abused like that! I'm a tactician not a freakin punching bag!"

Eliwood began to snicker. Then when he couldn't hold it back any more, he started to laugh out loud uncontrollably.

"What in the name of Saint Elimine?" asked a now scared Jordan.

After Eliwood had regained control of himself, he told the tactician what was so funny. More or less, he demonstrated.

"I think I have found the problem," said Eliwood as he ripped off the tactician's cloak.

"Sweet gibly giblets! What are you doing! PERVERT!" screamed Jordan.

Fortunately he had decided to wear something under his cloak that day.

"Look," said Eliwood pointing to the back of the cloak.

"What the hell?"

"It's a bulls-eye. Someone painted a bulls-eye on the back of your cloak. And in the center of the bulls-eye, it says 'French Toast sucks'," said Eliwood.

"Who the! Nils… I'm gonna have to pay him another visit. He must have done this when I was unconscious!" yelled Jordan.

He was getting ready to run off and find Nils, when Eliwood stopped him.

"I think you might want this back first," said Eliwood, handing the tactician back his cloak.

He turned the cloak inside out and put it on.

"It's reversible!" he smiled.

"Jordan, it couldn't have been Nils. I was in his room guarding him the whole time."

Well who else would do this to me?

"Wait a minute," said Eliwood, now finally piecing two and two together. "Come on, let's go see Nils…"

"I just said that! And you said 'No' " said a very irritated Jordan.'

They walked down the hall, fortunately not passing by any of the girls in the group, as Jordan was still cursed.

* * *

When they reached Nils' room, Eliwood knocked. 

"Who's there?" came Ninian's voice.

"It's me" answered Eliwood.

Ninian opened up the door to let in Eliwood.

"Oh thank goodness it's you Lord Eliwood, I was afraid it was-" she stopped when she saw Jordan there too.

She nearly let out a scream.

"Relax Ninian I'm not here to-" Jordan started.

"He's back to finish the job! AAH! Save me!" yelled Nils.

Ninian ran over and grabbed Nils.

"Run Nils! Run!" she screamed as she threw him out the window of his cabin.

"AYEIIIII!" Nils could be heard all throughout the ship.

His scream was followed by a 'SPLASH'.

"Oh boy…" said Jordan, rolling his eyes.

"Go save him!" yelled Ninian, as she threw Jordan out the window as well.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH"

'SPLASH'

At this point Eliwood had run out of the room and onto the main deck, where Dart and Geitz were engaged in a conversation, with Wil listening to them.

"You guys!" said Eliwood out of breath from running.

"Ahoy Lord Eliwood. What's wrong?" asked Dart.

"Nils and Jordan were uh… thrown overboard. You think you could, oh I dunno, RESCUE THEM!"

"Aye, I suppose so," said Dart very calmly.

Dart walked over to the side of the ship and jumped over the railing.

Eliwood ran to the side to see if Dart was okay.

His jaw hit the floor.

Dart was walking on the water over to where Nils and Jordan were floating. Well, actually Jordan was using Nils as a floatation device.

Dart hauled both of them over his shoulders and walked back the ship.

Wil fired an arrow into the water with a rope attached.

After Dart was securely fastened to the rope, Wil, Geitz, and Eliwood pulled him up.

"Dart, how did? What the? You, water, walking…" stuttered a dumbstruck Eliwood.

"Oh ya mean you didn't know? We Berserkers can walk across the water, just like the pirates," replied Dart.

"I'm just gonna forget I saw that," said Eliwood.

* * *

Eliwood told Nils and Jordan that he needed them (all 3 of them) to talk to Ninian, but on the odds she would throw them out the window again, Eliwood went to the room to take care of something. 

After he finished, he brought in Jordan and Nils.

On impulse of seeing Nils and Jordan in the same room Ninian yelled "Nils run!" as she grabbed him and proceeded to throw him out the window again.

However, Eliwood had foreseen this and had taken measures to ensure it wouldn't be the same as last time.

Instead of hearing Nils scream, everyone heard a loud 'THUMP'.

Jordan looked at the window and saw that Eliwood had nailed boards across it so nothing could get out of it.

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Jordan as he saw Nils land on the floor.

"Go save him!" screamed Ninian, not realizing the window was blocked (still impulse).

"AAAAHH!" yelled Jordan, as he was thrown against the boarded up window/wall.

'WHAM!'

Eliwood grabbed Ninian and said "Ninian, calm down, he's not here to hurt Nils, we just want to talk."

After she settled down, Eliwood started.

"Ninian, when Jordan nearly killed Nils, were you angry at him?"

"A little I suppose," she replied.

"Did you want to do anything to get back at him?"

"Of course not! I would never hurt our tactician!" she answered.

"Ah, but would you have someone else hurt him?" Eliwood asked.

She mumbled something incoherently.

"What was that?"

"I said, maybe" Ninian replied meekly.

"Well, did you-" Eliwood was cut off by Jordan.

"Did you paint a bulls-eye on my cloak!"

Ninian could stand it no longer.

"Okay! I did it. Yes I painted that on your cloak."

Eliwood seemed a little surprised, even though he already knew. "But why Ninian?"

"He nearly killed Nils!"

"And you nearly killed me!" yelled Jordan at Ninian.

"Then you're even" said Nils, finally deciding to speak.

Jordan and Nils shook hands as a sign of peace, for now…

"See Ninian, they aren't going to kill each other, at least not for a while…" said Eliwood.

"Okay," she replied, still not fully reassured.

"I've got to go see Canas," said Jordan.

Right as he was getting ready to leave, Karel walked by the door with a piece of French toast in his mouth.

He noticed Jordan in the room and stropped.

"You!" he said. "French toast hater!"

"M-me!" asked Jordan in a very scared tone.

"Yeah, I never got to finish with you" he said through a mouth full of French toast.

He drew his Wo Dao.

"NO! He's gonna kill me!" screamed Jordan.

"You will learn to respect French toast!" said Karel as he ran at the tactician.

Jordan ran over to the window and ripped off the boards, cartoon style.

"You'll never take me alive!" he yelled as he jumped out of the window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh……."

'SPLASH!'

-End Chapter-

* * *

Draknal: And I'm spent. Sorry it took so long to update, writer's block. It's contagious. 

Guy: You said you'd include me!

Draknal: I did! Karel threatened you. We just didn't get to see it.

Guy: You lying bastard…

Karla: R&R please! He wants to see more people review! Click the button and type! Don't forget! Make a list of the couplings YOU want to see!

* * *

"**Reviewer Responses"**

**Nightmare3: **Thanks for the review. I'm glad you like the fic! And to answer your p.s, just read the next chapter!

**FIREEMBLEMFREAK 252: **I hope to make the next few chapters just as funny.

**Gingy Mittens:** I'm so glad you love this fic. I will try to add more of Jaffar and Nino when I can.

**Darkness-Aura:** Oh please, you flatter me! It's always nice to get a review as great as yours. If only there were more reviewers like you.

**The Tactician's Brother:** Ya know, sometimes its good to have an insane reviewer! If you read the fic, and give good reviews, I can accept that. Lol.

**Arashisama:** Thank you, I believe your review will greatly alter this fic, for the better of course! This chapter is different because of what you said. This is not what I had originally written! I changed it just for you.


	4. Of Toast and Meetings

Draknal: I am so sorry that this update took so long. School is back in session and that equals trouble with updates. 

Karla: Well, at least you got around to it.

Guy: Lazy. He's just lazy, that's all there is to it.

Draknal: No pay for you! Come back in one year!

Guy: That's copyrighted.

Draknal:… Anyway, I am back, and hopefully this chapter will be enjoyed by many. Raven?

Raven: Draknal does not own Fire Emblem or any of the copyrighted Fire Emblem characters, just the tactician and the plot.

Draknal: Role that fic!

* * *

**Christmas Insanity!**

By: Draknal

**Chapter 4: Of Toast and Meetings**

Jordan dragged himself back over the side of the ship.

'Ugh, got to think more… before I act…' He counted that as the second time he did something that he ended up regretting while being on this ship.

He crawled away to his room, hoping he could find some peace there. On the way he passed Sain.

"Why good day Sir J- What happened to you?" Sain had been seeing some strange things lately, but this was just plain weird. The tactician was covered with bruises and was completely soaked.

"One word… Karel." He then continued towards his room.

Sain thought of all the other unfortunate incidents that had taken place involving the tactician while on the ship. 'He has got to be the most unlucky person I have ever met. It's a wonder he has survived all the battles we have been in.'

Nevertheless Sain went back to walking down the hallway. Rounding a corner he bumped into Florina.

Florina, being afraid of men as she was, especially Sain, screamed. "EEK!"

"Oh! I'm so sorry Miss Florina! I apologize for being so careless. I'll be on my way." And then he left.

Florina stood in the hallway by herself trying to grasp what had just happened. Sain had bumped into her, he apologized, and then went on his way. He didn't try to flirt with her? That just wasn't like Sain…

She decided to try and forget that she had even bumped into him and walked away.

Going further down the hall Sain passed by Priscilla and Serra.

"Good morning ladies," he greeted. He continued on without saying anything else.

"Hey Serra?"

"Yeah Priscilla?"

"Did you notice anything funny about Sain?" asked the confounded Valkyrie.

"Yeah, he was wearing a new headband."

"No, I mean, did you notice anything funny about the way he acted?" Priscilla asked, hoping Serra wouldn't be so dense this time.

"Um, you mean the fact he didn't try to hit on us?" Serra too wondered about this now.

"Yeah, it's really weird. Maybe Sain has finally learned his lesson about being flirty."

Serra looked over to Priscilla. "Sain? Nah, he'll always be a half-witted flirt."

The two continued to discuss the matter as they left the hallway and went up to the main deck of the ship.

It wasn't until Sain reached his room that he fully understood what had just occurred.

"Wait a minute. I walked by a pair of beautiful women, and I didn't say anything witty or flattering to them?" He decided it might be better for him if he stayed in his room to contemplate this matter.

* * *

Nils was in his room when two people entered. 

"Ah, have you gathered the"- Nils stopped talking when he saw the appearance of his two visitors; a very beat up looking Matthew and a singed Legault. "What in the world happened to you two!"

Matthew explained what had happened to him. "Well, you see. We were outside Jordan's room and were going to break in and look for the information you asked for…"

"And?" asked an impatient Nils.

"Well…"

-Flashback-

Matthew and Legault were outside the tactician's room and were about to enter. Legault reached for the knob.

"Wait!" Matthew grabbed Legault's hand. "We have to be sneaky, and besides it's probably locked, so why don't you pick the lock instead?"

Seeing no harm in the suggestion, Legault pulled out a small device and proceeded to insert it into the lock of the door. However, when he stuck it in, a fireball shot out of the keyhole.

"Yaaaaa! Put it out!" screamed the flaming thief. His hair and cloak had caught fire.

"Hang on Legault! I'll help you!" Matthew grabbed the nearest object he could find, which in this case was a chair.

"Stop, drop, and roll!" shouted Matthew.

What was he doing with the chair you ask? Why, as soon as Legault started rolling, Matthew began hitting him repeatedly with the chair.

"Ouch! What are you- OW! Why are you hitting me!" yelled a very much in pain Legault.

"I'm trying to help put out the fire!"

Just as they figured it couldn't get any worse, Bartre rounded a corner.

He saw Matthew hitting Legault with the chair. Unfortunately his brain couldn't figure out that Matthew was trying to help the ex-black fang member.

"Oh boy! Wrestling! Bartre wants to play!" Bartre then joined the brawl.

"What the-" Matthew turned around to see Bartre bounding towards him. "Bartre! NOOOOO!"

Too late. Bartre ran up to the tactician's door and ripped it off of its hinges. Then he started hitting Matthew with it in the same way that he had hit Legault with the chair, only he did it without any effort.

"Bartre am the winner!" declared a triumphant Bartre minutes later. He then took the door and stuck it back where it was.

Matthew was lying on the floor sprawled out with spirals in his eyes and Legault was laying next to him charred black with X's in his eyes.

Eventually, after Matthew felt he could manage it, he helped Legault up and they limped back to Nil's room.

-End Flashback-

Silence. Nils was speechless, for a little bit at least.

"You're telling me… that you two idiots… didn't even use the doorknob!" screamed Nils.

Legault's eyes started twitching as he shot Matthew a death glare.

"Get out of my sight!" yelled Nils in anger.

'I'm surrounded by idiots…'

* * *

Upon reaching his room Jordan pulled out his key and unlocked the door. When he pushed the door open it fell off its hinges. 

"..." Hadn't he gone through enough for one day?

'How am I supposed to get any privacy when I don't even have a working door…'

Exasperated from all the events that took place earlier that day, he leaned the door against the frame and put a chair up against it for support.

"I'll fix it some other time…" Feeling more tired than he had ever been before, he flopped onto his bed and fell fast asleep.

'What has happened to me? I have lost my manly charm. What will become of the lovely ladies who will never hear praise from me? Woe is me!' Sain obviously wasn't taking the matter very lightly. Not complementing a beautiful woman when you have the chance would be considered a sin by him.

"Wait a minute… Jordan was acting kinda strange earlier when he was using pickup lines that sounded strangely familiar… no… it couldn't be… he somehow stole my charm! The fiend! He was having no luck in picking up women so he figured, 'I'll just take Sain's charm and get all the women for myself!' This will not go unanswered!" Sain jumped up to go find the tactician, or some lead as to what he was doing.

Off in another part of the ship, Karel was hard at work creating something. No one knew what but, because Karel wouldn't tell them, but he was definitely working hard.

'Yes, yes. Now I can exact my revenge on the evil one… He shall feel the cinnamony wrath of the toast! Mwuahahaha!'

When he finished his 'work' he gathered up his things and set off to find a certain person…

* * *

The Lords were busy talking in the large meeting room of the ship. They were discussing different methods of fighting on the Dread Isle and how they would go about defeating, or at least trying to defeat Nergal. 

Eliwood proposed waiting for Athos to return from whatever task he set off to do, and Hector said they should go in full force and catch Nergal off guard. Lyndis took no particular side, but pointed out the flaws and strong points of each plan.

"Well, Eliwood makes a good point by saying that we should wait for Lord Athos to return," Lyn started. "With the legendary weapons and his added power, we would stand a better chance against Nergal. But, if we wait too long, Nergal could open the gate and we would be too late. Hector, you have a valid point when you say that we should act soon, but if we rush in recklessly we could end up in a trap."

"But Lyn, we have to take that chance, because at any moment that blackheart could open the gate, and unleash a destructive force that Elibe hasn't seen since the scouring!" remarked Hector.

This went on for a while.

When they reached a break in the conversation, Eliwood brought up a different topic. "Have either of you noticed our tactician acting a little weird lately?"

"Nope. As far as I can tell, he's perfectly normal. I haven't seen too much of him though," replied Hector.

Lyndis had a bit of a different answer. "Hmph. I think he's been hanging around Sain too much. He's beginning to act like him."

Hector couldn't hold back a laugh. He thought about the tactician trying to flirt with Lyn and getting beat up by her. 'That must have been hilarious. Too bad I missed it.'

* * *

Not knowing where to begin, Sain went to his closest friend, Kent, for advice. 

"Okay, explain this to me again Sain. And this time try to make sense."

"Okay. I can no longer flirt with the ladies, because I have lost my charm. I believe Jordan, our tactician, took it for himself so that he would have better luck in wooing the ladies."

Kent could only stare at his friend, before telling him what he thought. "Sain, that is preposterous. Our tactician wouldn't do something like that. When has he ever seemed to hate you? And besides, even if he wanted to, he couldn't perform the magic or hex or whatever necessary to do that. My advice to you is to leave Jordan alone. He's gone through quite a lot lately."

"But Kent!" Sain retorted.

"Sain, please. For your sake and Jordan's, leave him alone." Seeing that he would get no further help, Sain left Kent's room and went about his own business.

* * *

After having a long slumber with no interruptions or death threats, Jordan felt he was ready to continue with his duties. He realized something though. 'If I can't get my own troops to respect me, how am I going to lead them to victory against a power hungry maniac?' 

He went for a walk out on the main deck. The night was cloudless, cool, and the moon and stars shown brightly.

'I have to establish myself as a good leader. I'll call a meeting, and let them all know that.'

As he was getting ready to turn and go back down into the ship, he felt a strange tingling in his spine. His hairs stood on end. That could only mean one thing…

He looked around wildly, hoping to find whoever was trying to sneak up on him.

'No one… I guess I'm just a bit on edge. Heh, no on was there.'

Then he came face to face with the Sword Demon himself. He was wearing a red cloak.

Karel gave a mischievous grin, followed by, "Hi there."

Jordan gulped, and hoped the psychopath before him wasn't planning on cutting him down. "Uh, hi… Karel. How are you tonight? Heh…"

"Oh I'm just fine, but there is something I must say."

The tactician knew this wouldn't end well. "Uh, what might that be? And what's with the cloak?"

Without wasting another moment, Karel whipped off the cloak to reveal… a white Swordmaster outfit with pictures of French Toast printed all over it. He also had a headband adorned with French Toast prints. Then he pulled out from behind him, a spear with a flag on it with one large picture of French Toast.

"I am no longer merely the Sword Demon, but the French Toast King! And this is what I must say!"

"No more shall French toast be mercilessly abused. Bread shall stand tall and butter still taller on top of it. All ye who speak the words French toast will remember this day for seconds to come. They shall remember the day that we stood up to oppression and cast down the French toast haters. Without bread there would not be toast. Without butter there would not be butter crispers. Without French toast there would not be French toast recipes. Without whatever else people put in French toast there would not be all sorts of random things that need things that go in French toast. So return to the light from your heathen ways and take up the French toast! All you who listen have one final chance to repent before the wrath of the mighty French Toast King descends upon you all. The might and glory..."

(A/N Credit for this goes to a good friend of mine, Nightmare3. He came up with this by himself and agreed to let me use this. It was so funny, how could I say no?)

"Are you quite done?" Jordan felt as though he was going to fall asleep.

"Silence! Instead of killing you, like the foul one you are, I am giving you the chance to repent for your French Toast hating ways. You shall worship the Toast!"

The tactician narrowed his eyes. "Never…"

"Beast! The power of the Toast shall prevail over you this day!"

Jordan turned to run, but Karel was quicker. He grabbed the cape that Jordan had on as part of his attire. He yanked it and the poor tactician fell backwards and landed on his back. Then Karel took the spear he had and thrust it through the cape, so now the tactician was immobile.

Karel knelt over him and reached behind him for something.

'Oh no. This is it,' thought Jordan. 'He's gonna pull out his Wo Dao and finish me off. Why must it end like this!'

However Karel did not pull out his trusty Wo Dao. He pulled out… a… a… a piece of French Toast!

He raised the Toast high in the air, then brought it down across the tactician's face.

He continued assaulting him in this manner yelling, "The power of the toast compels you! The power of the toast compels you!"

Before ya knew it, the tactician was unconscious.

'My work here is done,' thought Karel. He pulled the spear from the cloak and went into the ship, content with what he had done. 'When he wakes up he will be a believer of the toast.'

It was about an hour before our luckless tactician woke up from his French Toast beating. 'Ugh, my face hurts… and why do I have the urge to eat a lot of French Toast?'

He put this thought aside and went into the ship to the room where the lords were still discussing the matter of Nergal and the Dragon's Gate.

"Ah, Jordan I am glad you have come. We need your opinion on a matter at hand." Eliwood knew if anyone could help them come to a decision on their plan of action it was there trusted tactician who was trained in the ways of war.

However Jordan he forgot about one thing…

'Twang'

"Ah my dear Lady Lyndis! I am glad to have found you! I did not get to finish earlier. One so stunning as yourself can never get enough compliments and I must see to it that that is taken care of! I am honored to be in the presence of one who possesses not only amazing fighting skills, but incredible beauty as well!"

Hector gave Eliwood a confused look. "Is this what you were talking about?"

Eliwood merely nodded, as to confirm Hector's question. He was thinking about what Lyn might do to the poor tactician.

Lyn's eyebrows were twitching, and when she could stand it no longer… "That's it!"

The angered Blade Lord jumped out of her seat and began to strangle the tactician where he stood. The lack of air must have helped Jordan return to his senses.

"Lyn…" he gasped. "Please… stop… can't… breathe…"

Hector was laughing so hard that he fell out of his seat. Eliwood on the other hand didn't think that their tactician's death would be as amusing…

"Lyndis, peace. Please let our tactician go, or else we might as well let Nergal just open up the gate and destroy all of Elibe. We need our tactician, and besides, I think he's coming around to his normal self again."

Lyn released her grip on the tactician's neck.

-GASP-

"For Elimine's sake, and mine, please _don't_ do that again Lyn."

Lyn simply shot him a death glare.

"Anyway, as you can all plainly see I am back to normal. As I have told Eliwood, lately when I am around women, I feel the extreme urge to compliment and flirt with them. I can't help it, and sometimes it just takes over."

Hector kept laughing and was turning different colors form lack of air due to way too much laughing.

"Ooooookay. Now Jordan, what is that you came here to talk to us about?" Inquired Eliwood.

"Well, actually I need you to gather everyone that you can in here so that I can talk to them all."

"I suppose we can arrange that, but for what reason?"

Jordan explained his situation and how he needed respect form the troops. Eliwood completely agreed with him on the matter.

* * *

A few minutes later most of the army was gathered in the meeting room. 

Many were asking each other what they were doing in the room. Others were complaining about having to travel up so many flights of steps, and they had good reason to. The meeting room was at the top of the ship, far away form the rooms they were staying in at the bottom of the boat.

Matthew was the last person to enter the room that was planning on coming. He was busy eating some food he had stolen from the kitchen. In this case it was a banana.

"Matthew no eating in here, it is a distraction to others." Oswin was the only one who would say something like that.

Matthew just shrugged and threw the banana peel aside. He sat himself next to Guy, so he could have someone to talk to during the meeting.

"Psst. Hey, what's this meeting supposed to be about?" asked Matthew.

Guy looked around the room. "I dunno, but most of the army's here so it must be important."

"Attention! Excuse me! Yeah, hi." Jordan had successfully gotten everyone's attention.

"The reason I have called you here is that I wanted to have a talk with you about our fight on the Dread Isle that is to come." He started pacing in the front of the room.

"Now, in order for me to properly lead this assault against Nergal, I need you all to be able to listen and comply with orders that I give you. This requires you all to give me the respect I deserve. If you don't respect me-"

Laughter broke out across the room.

"IF YOU DON'T RESPECT ME!" he yelled.

Most of the laughter died down.

-Ahem- He started again. "If you don't respect me, how can I expect you to take my orders seriously in combat as critical as this next and most likely last fight."

The room was dead silent. Jordan felt as though he was getting through to his troops.

"This will involve you not only listening to me without questioning me, but, you can not, I repeat, CAN NOT, attack or harm me in any way as most of you have done through various pranks and misdeeds, many of which I am not going to state…"

A group "Aww…" was heard in the room.

"As I was saying, you can not harm, maim with furniture" he said glaring at Florina, who hid behind her sisters, "stab, impale, punch, kick, shove, burn, zap, blast, whack me with a blunt object, trip me, or slap me with a piece of French Toast..." he said staring at Karel, who only stared back. "Do I make myself clear on these conditions? I am a tactician! Not a punching or beating bag! I am a living being! If any of you fail to comply with these rules, I will quit my position as a tactician. You will have no one to guide you through your battle with Nergal! Understood!"

The room was deadly quiet, then a piece of fruit flew out of the crowd and hit the tactician. "You didn't mention the throwing of objects!" yelled Matthew.

The room roared with laughter. Even Eliwood, as gracious and courteous as he was, couldn't help himself.

"Grr… That's it! I'm going back to my room!"

Jordan started storming toward the door.

"I hope you all are happ-"

But before he could finish his foot landed on something… He gasped in horror as he saw at the last instant a banana peel under his foot.

Before he could stop himself, he started sliding toward the door, which led down several long flights of steps… (A/N Who didn't see this coming?)

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!..."

* * *

The tactician's scream could be heard echoing down the stairway. 

Could the tactician's timing be any worse. Who happened to be walking by the bottom of the stairs at that moment? None other than our favorite young green haired mage, Nino.

"YAAAA!"

Nino looked up the stairway and saw the tumbling tactician flying down the stairs towards her. "Ah!"

She tried to make a run for it, but to no avail.

The tactician crashed into her and ended up on top of her.

She had spirals in her eyes, and she was completely senseless now.

"Wow, thank goodness I landed on something soft…"

He looked to see what he had landed on and to his horror, it was Nino.

"Ack! Nino! Please speak to me Nino! Don't be injured or hurt or anything!"

It was too late for that.

He could feel an ominous, looming presence behind him.

Slowly, he turned his head to see… Jaffar.

His eyes were fixed on the tactician's. "This is the second time you have tried to do something to Nino…" came his voice, dripping with cruel malice…

"Jaffar! PLEASE! YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME!"

"You will explain it in 15 words, or you will have to deal with me."

Apparently Jordan didn't hear that part… "I was in a meeting and I slipped on a banana peel and I fell down the stairs and Nino was there and it wasn't my fault!"

Jaffar narrowed his eyes even more than they already were. "That was 27 words… you're over your limit."

-GASP!-

'He was counting! Oh crap… there has to be some way I can stall him…'

He thought of every option he could in the short amount of time he was given.

"I am sorry! I promise I will never go anywhere near her again! It was all a weird set of coincidences! Please don't kill me!"

Well, sometimes groveling is the best way to save yourself…

Jaffar looked at Nino, who was starting to stir. He thought about what she would want him to do. "Fine, I will spare you this time… but if I ever catch you near her again…"

"You won't! I won't go near her again!" Jordan pleaded.

Jaffar picked Nino up and started to walk away. He didn't go too far without adding "You pervert of a tactician."

Jordan could only take so much and that was it. "Who are you calling a pervert! You're older than I am and you are around her 24/7! You freakin pedophile!"

"Whoops… that kinda just slipped out. Sorry." Jordan sweat dropped.

Jaffar was facing away from the tactician, and slowly he turned to face him.

A look of horror crossed the tactician's face, because Jaffar was now looking at him, but his body was facing away from him. Jaffar's head had just done a 180. There was murder in Jaffar's eyes.

Jordan took off running at top speed. Jaffar made no immediate attempt to pursue him. He set Nino down off to the side, and pulled out his daggers. Then he chased after the tactician with only one thought on his mind… slow…painful…torture…

* * *

Draknal: Wow, this just gets better… sorry about the cliffhanger. 

Raven: I want to see him get maimed.

Draknal: You're mean, you know that?

Raven: No, I'm not, you're the one writing this stuff.

Draknal: Touché. Again I would like to credit Nightmare3 with the part about the French Toast that Karel had to say. Thanks man!

Karla: R & R! Any suggestions will be taken into consideration! Hopefully he'll get the next chapter up relatively soon.

"**Reviewer Responses"**

**Nightmare3: **Lol. Thank you for the review, and no, you don't wanna know where that spatula went… Don't' worry, Karel will strike again. Thank you again for the French Toast bit. What would I do without you?

**Dias of all Final: **Glad you like the fic. I will try to keep it insane, in a good way of course. D

**xZero84x: **Yes, Karel rulez indeed. You shall see plenty more of him to come. And yeah, Ninian is very protective of her brother, a bit too protective…

**K-Gforever:** Thank you for the review. Getting one from you means a lot. Let's just say the fun hasn't even begun.

**ir 0/llz ll00bz: **Always nice to see a new reviewer. Oh don't worry, Jaffar is still around and trying to kill the tactician, as demonstrated in this chapter. XD

**DarkHyperion12: **When will he get peace? Never… Not as long as I am around… heh. Thanks for the review.

**LoneWolfLink: **Hannah eh? Not a bad suggestion. Hehehe… I am glad you enjoy this fic so much! It makes me feel so good when writing these fics, knowing that gracious reviewers like you are out there.

**Z-Animator: **Always happy to have a new reviewer! Sorry about the long time to update, school is a hassle when put together with writing.

**Sesshy is sexii: **Sadist? ( Why would you say that? j/k I try my best. I am so happy that I got a good review from you. Thank you for saying I am a good writer. You get a cookie! –throws a cookie-

';,;'

**Fhire:** My, my. Straight to the point aren't we? lol. I will update as soon as I can. Sorry for the long wait. :P

**Aramin RVN: **I see… Well, I will continue to try and make this as funny as I can!

**Windrider Sylvanon: **I am happy that you like the fic. Karel loves his French toast, as this chapter shows. You make me so happy by saying this is the funniest fic ever. If I could hug you I would.

Raven: A little much don't you think?

Draknal: Silence! I am showing my reviewers how much I appreciate them! I will update as soon as my schoolwork will allow me! This time it will be sooner than a few months, I can guarantee that!


	5. Chapter 5: A Tactician's Flight

Draknal: Well, I sorta kept my word. It wasn't _months_ since my last update…

Karla: You promised you wouldn't take as long.

Raven: So since you lied we get to maim you.

Karla: I wouldn't go that far, but if he does it again than you can.

Guy: Awesome.

Draknal: Anyway, its time now for another chapter of my fic! Disclaimer!

Raven: Draknal does not own Fire Emblem or any of its characters, just the ones that he made up and the story plot.

Draknal: Role it! Oh yeah! IF you like Jaffar and stories about him, you should check out K-GForever's "A New Past". It's a great story.

* * *

**Christmas Insanity!**

By: Draknal

**Chapter 5: Culinary Combat and a Tactician's Flight**

'Keep running! Keep running!' This was the only thought running through Jordan's mind as he ran down the hallways of the Davros.

He never bothered to look behind him to see if Jaffar was on his trail or not. Why do you need to look when you already know…

'_Wow. You sure know how to get on this guy's bad side.'_

'…You again.'

The voice from earlier was going through his mind again.

'_Aww, aren't you happy to see me?'_ the voice asked in mock pain.

'No. I have no idea how you got in my head, but I want you gone…'

A dagger whizzed by the tactician's head. He could tell Jaffar was gaining on him. If he kept running, he would be caught, and who knows what Jaffar would do to him…

He ducked into a room further down the hallway and slammed the door shut. Then he locked it and leaned against it to brace it in case Jaffar tried to break it down.

Two dagger blades came through the door, one on either side of his head.

"WATCH IT! What are you trying to do kill me!" Jordan screamed through the door.

"…"

"Jaffar I said I was sorry! I didn't mean to say it! It slipped out!"

Jaffar was still unmoved. "…"

"Come on, it's not like I really meant it!"

"…" Still nothing.

The tactician pleaded for his life. "Can't I make it up to you!"

Silence.

"Jaffar? Hello? Are you there? Are you even listening to me?"

'Eh, I guess he gave up.'

The tactician flopped onto the bed that was in the room and took a breather.

'Why did I have to piss off Jaffar… why couldn't it have been someone like Canas, or Kent. They are reasonable people, and Jaffar most certainly is not.'

He closed his eyes for a minute to reflect on all that had happened that day so far.

'At least he stopped trying to kill me…' he said inwardly.

'_Don't be so suuuuuuure…' _the inner voice taunted.

'What are you talking about!' he questioned, right as a piece of saw dust fell on to his face.

"What the?" He looked up at the ceiling.

"OH SWEET ELEMINE YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" he yelled.

A pair of daggers were cutting out a piece of the ceiling.

"Come out and play…" Jaffar hissed in an eerie and just plain freaky voice.

'What to do! What to do!'

He ran to the door and practically ripped it off of its hinges, just as Jaffar came through the ceiling.

He took off at full speed through the halls, heading for one place he figured he'd be safe.

"Ah, my meal is almost ready." Lowen couldn't wait to enjoy his food that he had taken so much effort to prepare.

He set his plate of fresh, made from scratch muffins on the counter. The kitchen, was without a doubt his favorite place to be. Nothing made him happier than being able to cook and then enjoy his work.

He went to get a beverage to go with his food. As he turned his back, Jordan came racing through the kitchen, and dove over the counter to hide from Jaffar.

Jaffar also flew into the kitchen, but he ran past the counter. Unfortunately, he knocked Lowen's plate of muffins off of the counter, right as Lowen was turning around with his drink in hand.

He watched as his painstakingly made muffins fell to their doom on the floor.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled.

Jaffar looked around wildly for the tactician, and suddenly a spatula flew past him.

He turned to see an enraged Lowen, whose eyes were ablaze.

"YOU RUINED MY FOOD!"

At this point, even Jaffar was scared.

"OUT NOW!" Lowen commanded, as he reached for a steak knife.

Jaffar ran for his life, forgetting about the tactician, for now…

"Thank you so much Lowen!" Jordan grabbed the cavalier and hugged him.

"You saved my life!"

Lowen looked at his poor destroyed muffins. "But at what cost, young tactician?"

"The muffins have fallen!" asked Karel, who popped up out of nowhere.

"Then French toast shall rule this domain!" he proclaimed as he slammed down a plate of French toast.

"NEVER!" Lowen shrieked as he flung a pot at the French toast.

The pot collided with the French toast, sending it to the floor.

"FIEND!" Karel yelled. "This means war!"

Jordan ran out of the kitchen as pots, pans, utensils, and various other objects started flying.

* * *

He walked out on to the main deck of the ship, figuring some fresh air would do him good. 

'Alright where are you? I know you're still in there somewhere…' he thought to some other entity in his mind.

'_Oh, it's you… just kidding. Why is it so convenient to tell me to get lost when you don't want to talk to me, but when you need to talk to me, I have to come running?'_ asked the other being.

'Because it's _my_ mind' the tactician replied dryly.

'Well, where did you come from, and why are you in my mind?'

There was silence for a minute, almost as though the other being was contemplating this as well.

'_Huh, never gave much thought to that. As to why I'm here, I don't know. But, I do know how I got here. That magic shaman dude with the monocle made me come here. He used his magic and stuff. I was just minding my own business in Sain's mind when the shaman dude forced me into your mind.'_

'That's it, I'm gonna kill him. I want you out, and Canas is going to tell me how to get you out. Now let me lay down some rules. First of all, you do **NOT** compliment every girl that I see. I am not Sain, so I do not act that way. Second, what I do or think is my own business, so you mind yours. Just go to sleep or something, leave me be.'

'_I can see why people don't like you too much, you're bossy.'_

'What are you talking about! My troops respect me. They would fall apart without me. And I'm not bossy, I am a tactician, so giving orders comes naturally.'

'_Someone's in denial.'_

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" screamed a flustered tactician.

Jordan looked around to see that other people had come onto the main deck and were now staring at him strangely. Many of them took several steps away from him and others just went back into the ship.

'I hate you…'

'_Hate is such a strong word. You know you don't mean that.'

* * *

_

At the Dragon's Gate in Nergal's chambers.

"Limstella! Where are you? I summon you forth," called out Nergal.

A rune circle appeared in the middle of the room and Limstella teleported in.

"What is it master Nergal?" asked the morph, wondering why Nergal seemed to be acting in such an irritated manner.

Nergal looked to his prize creation. "I, er… I have a problem."

"Yes master?"

Nergal began fidgeting with his hands. "I um… I don't know what the next step in my evil plan is…"

"What!" Limstella almost fell over laughing.

"Stop it! Eliwood and his group are on their way here, and I don't know what to do."

"But my lord, aren't you an evil mastermind who has plans to take over the world?"

"Well, I didn't…"

Limstella cocked an eyebrow. "You didn't what?"

Nergal looked like he was about to explode. "I said I didn't think Eliwood and his group would get this far! What am I going to do!"

Limstella nearly fell over. 'I can't believe I was created by this guy…'

"Well, might I suggest that you seek some assistance?"

Nergal cringed at the thought of outside help in planning an evil takeover of the world. "But I want all the credit for taking over the world!"

Limstella shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I guess you can just give up on taking over the world then."

"But, I don't wanna!" Nergal whined.

'If Athos were here he would tell me that I have to think this through and take it a step at a time. Or he would try to use Foreblaze on me…'

"That's it!" Nergal shouted, suddenly struck by a bright idea.

"What is it Lord Nergal?"

Nergal began cackling evilly. "I'll ask Santa for world domination plans!"

Limstella was utterly confused. "Santa? Who is that?"

"Oh right. I never explained that to you. Well, he's Athos' half brother. All three of us studied magic together. Instead of being a good guy or a bad guy, he decided to be a symbol of peace. He gives out gifts to good people all over the world on Christmas. I can ask him for plans!"

Limstella took a moment to think over what Nergal had said. "Um, if he gives out gifts to _good_ people, how are you going to get something?"

Nergal began to laugh his evil laugh again. "I never said I was going to earn it. I am going to demand it. I will go to the North Pole and take care of this personally!"

He then created a rune circle and teleported away.

* * *

Back on the Davros. 

Seeing how Christmas was soon to be coming, everyone on the ship started to put up decorations in the spirit of the season.

Pent and Louise supervised the decorating.

"Wil, the red tablecloth goes on the other table. The green one goes there!" corrected Pent.

Wil hurriedly ripped of the cloth and ran over to the specified table. However on his way he got his feet tangled up in the cloth and he collapsed onto another table, knocking it over and sending the contents of the table flying.

Eliwood happened to be walking into the room when several glass ornament balls came flying at him.

"YAH!"

Several ornaments pelted him so he fell to the ground and got into the fetal position as several other ornament balls fell upon him.

Pent walked over to Eliwood, with a stern look on his face. "Nice going Lord Eliwood. You just had to move in front of the ornaments didn't you! Now they have all been broken because you! I hope you are happy!"

Then he turned on his heel and walked back over to his wife, who trying to stifle her laughs.

Lyn walked into the room and looked down at Eliwood.

"What are you doing?" she questioned.

"Ornaments, flying, whacking me…EVIL!" he screamed.

"Okaaaaay."

Pent looked up at Lyn. "Oh, Lady Lyndis! I am glad to see that you have come. We are decorating the main hall right now. How does it look!"

She looked around to see that the usual demeanor of the room had indeed changed. The wooden support columns in the room had been wrapped in tinsel, and garland had been hung from the ceiling. Even the tables and furniture had been lined or covered with very festive looking colored cloth.

Not wanting to disappoint Pent, she responded with "It looks great! Fabulous job Lord Pent."

Pent jumped up and down in a giddy schoolgirl kind of way.

Louise had to calm him down. "Dearest, it is indeed a very good job, but you must relax, there is still more to do."

Pent returned to his normal attitude. "Yes of course."

* * *

'_You know what?'_

'What?'

'_You shouldn't take this from your troops. They are to look to you for their strength. You should just leave and let them deal with this stuff themselves.'_

'You know what?'

'_AAAAAH! DE JA VU!'_

-Silence-

'_But seriously, what?'_

'I hate to say it, but you are absolutely right.'

'_Go me! Woot!'_

'Anyway… I am going to request that we dock somewhere. While we are stopped, I will take flight from this ship.'

Jordan decided to get something to eat before he requested that they dock the ship somewhere.

'You can't convince a pirate captain to listen to you on an empty stomach!'

He walked into the kitchen, where Lowen and Karel were still fighting over what was better, French toast or Muffins.

Dodging various utensils and cooking objects, he grabbed a sandwich and ran out just as Lowen hurled a bottle of vinegar over onto Karel's side.

"NOOOOOOO!" shouted Karel, watching as the bottle headed for a large store of baking soda.

As Jordan exited the kitchen a loud explosion was heard, followed by white foam billowing out of the kitchen.

The last thing heard from the kitchen after that was, "VICTORY TO THE MUFFINS!"

'How have I managed to put up with these people for so long…'

'_Because you are on the brink of insanity?'_

'That was a rhetorical question…'

* * *

At the North Pole. 

Nergal arrived at the north pole in front of Santa's house. It was an extremely large wood cabin covered in a thick layer of snow. There were various wreaths and garland strips hanging from it.

'I should have brought a coat…' Nergal thought to himself, as the piercing cold finally got to him.

He approached the door and knocked on it.

A little eye slot opened up at about the middle of the door.

A pair of eyes glanced up at Nergal's dark form.

The eyes were accompanied by a questioning voice. "Who is it?"

"I am Nergal, evil mastermind extraordinaire. I wish to see Nick."

A small gasp could be heard form behind the door. "Evil people are not allowed in here! Go away and wait for Santa to deliver your coal!"

With that the eye slot closed and little foot steps could be heard leading away from the door.

'Of all the insolent creatures! I will not stand for this!'

"I will not be denied!" Nergal shouted as he drew his dark tome. Gathering energy, he focused on the door and released his powerful attack.

"ERISHKEGAL!" he called out. The door disintegrated.

Nergal stepped inside and looked around to see tiny elves going from place to place with various items. The elves were adorned with green pointed hats and curled green shoes with bells on the ends. Their socks were red and white stripped. And they wore a green shirt overlapped by a red vest.

The inhabitants of the house stopped what they were doing and looked at the intruder.

Nergal screamed in fright. "AAAHHH! MIDGETS!" However his fear was short lived as he remembered his purpose for being there.

One of the elves began to twitch, and a second later… "Santa's defenses have been breached! Attack formation! We must protect Santa!"

They elves all jumped from where they were and drew random tomes. They encircled Nergal and prepared to attack.

Nergal sweatdropped as he realized he was in quite a fix.

One elf stepped forward from the crowd with his hands behind his back. His name tag read 'Bob'.

"We knew it was only a matter of time before you would come here, Nergal" he started. "I am the chief of security here at the North Pole. It was my job to prepare for an attack by you. We know what you are capable of and we are ready for you."

Nergal let out an evil cackle. "I will not be stopped buy beings of such, 'short' stature!"

Bob's right eye twitched slightly. "I'll bet you think that's real clever don't you Mr. Googley Eye."

"Don't diss the eye!" Nergal retorted.

"Enough of these formalities. I think its time we dealt with you Nergal."

Nergal narrowed his eye. "Bring it on shrimp."

"CHARGE!" called Bob. All the elves ran or jumped at Nergal.

Unprepared for such large numbers of elves, Nergal was tackled by them and knocked to the ground where they swarmed over him.

He tried to rid himself of them but to no avail. "NOOOO! A SWARM OF MIDGETS! AAAAAAHHHH!"

"That's quite enough. Leave him alone this instant" ordered a new voice.

The elves all got off of Nergal and stood at attention.

"So Milton, I have been expecting you."

Nergal jumped up and stared at the new arrival. 'Hmm… fuzzy red hat, red coat, fat stomach, red pants, beard…'

"Yes, yes. Nice to see you and all Nick. And by the way, don't call me Milton! My name is Nergal now."

Nick laughed at the remark. "So, you finally changed that dorky name? Ha ha ha!"

Nergal frowned. "Look, I'm not here to chat, I am in need of something."

Santa looked at him suspiciously. "And that might be?"

"Plans to dominate the world" he replied coolly.

Santa let out a laugh. "Is that all? I thought it was something worse. I think we can arrange that."

Bob looked at Santa as if he were crazy. "Santa are you nuts! You're going to give him plans to take over the world!"

"Well sure. He's done enough good to deserve it."

The elf's jaw fell to the floor. "WHAT! HE'S DONE NOTHING **_BUT_** EVIL THINGS!"

Santa smiled at the elf security chief. "Actually, although his deeds _are_ evil, they have done a great deal of good. He has given Eliwood and his group a reason to fight; to save the world and protect the ones they love. This seems like a great deal of good to me. If 'Nergal' hadn't done this they would all be going about their normal lives living as they had done every other day."

Santa turned his attention back to Nergal. "Now Nergal, Bob will accompany you and help you find the perfect evil plan."

Bob much to his disliking escorted Nergal to their planning room.

"Alright. Now what do you want in this perfect plan of yours."

Nergal took a minute to consider. "Well, I want it to be something unique, something no one has ever done before."

"Well why don't you just wait for them and blast them when they come to you?"

Nergal looked shocked. "No no no. That's much to simple. People would expect much more evil things form me. I want people to remember me as the most evil person ever!"

"Well, how about this one?" asked Bob.

Nergal read the parchment and his eyes began to light up. "Yes…yes… YES!... NO!"

"What's wrong with it?" Bob figured it was the perfect plan for him.

"I'll tell you what's wrong! There's no long winded speech at the beginning of their entry. I have to bore them to sleep with talk first! Every great villain does it! NEXT!"

Bob sighed in agitation. "This is going to take a while."

Nergal read another one. "This is good but… how are they going to defeat me?"

Bob looked up at the supposedly evil mastermind. "What? Defeat you? I thought you wanted to rule the world."

Nergal grinned sheepishly. "Well, I don't really want to rule the world. It's just that since I'm playing the role of evil villain mastermind, I have to say that that's what I want. Besides, if I enslave the world and kill everyone, how are they going to remember me as the most evil person ever?"

"Well, how about this one then." Bob handed Nergal a plan that fit his description.

Nergal examined it closely. "Let's see… ooh… bring back dragons… I like that. A good speech at the beginning of our meeting… create morphs of previous enemies… die due to lust for power… release dragons upon the world with last breath…YES! I'll take it!"

"Yeah, yeah. Be on your way now and…" he shuddered violently before finishing, "have a Merry Christmas…"

Nergal let out an evil laugh. "MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BITE ME SHORT STUFF!"

Then he teleported away.

"Evil mastermind my a-"

* * *

Now back to our heroes. 

The tactician had indeed managed to convince Captain Fargus to dock the ship. His excuse was that he had to use the bathroom badly. And he kept asking Fargus if they were there yet.

They docked at the port city of Hrichen, which was the last port available to stop at before reaching Valor.

Upon reaching the dock, Jordan decided to _sneak_ off of the ship, rather than just walk off of it, so as not to arouse suspicion.

However, the other members of the troop were all curious as to why the ship had stopped and docked. They figured that this was a non-stop trip.

Eliwood went to the captain's quarters to talk with Captain Fargus.

He knocked once and waited for a response.

"Aye, who be there?" came a gruff reply from the room.

"Uh, Captain Fargus its me, Eliwood. I'd like to ask you a few questions."

Fargus opened the door and let him in. "What is it laddie? What do you need to know from this old sea dog?"

"Well, why have we docked? I thought we were supposed to go directly to Valor."

Fargus thought back to the tactician's excuses. "Your tactician said he 'ad to use the bathroom. And he said he was gon' pick up some last minute supplies."

"Alright, that makes perfect sense. Thank you Captain Fargus." Eliwood then exited the room to relay the message to the other lords.

After conveying this, he didn't get quite the response he was hoping for. Lyn just stood there wide eyed, and Hector was bashing Eliwood over the head with the blunt side of his axe, until the axe head eventually flew off.

Eliwood now had a serious of lumps on his head and was unconscious from the beating.

Then Hector proceeded to yell at the unconscious form of the lord. "YOU LET HIM STOP A SHIP THAT IS HEADING TO SAVE THE WORLD FOR REASONS AS STUPID AS THOSE! THERE IS A BATHROOM ON THE SHIP FOR ELEMINE'S SAKE!"

It wasn't until Hector had been restrained by Oswin and Marcus that he calmed down.

But just when you thought the fun was over, a rune circle appeared in the middle of the ship's deck. Everyone on the ship was expecting Nergal or a morph to appear, but instead a tiny elf appeared.

He looked around for a second just to make sure he was in the right place. Then he cleared his throat before screaming, "MERRY CHRISTMAS! Now, my name is Ferguson, and it is my job to take Christmas orders! You just tell me what you want for Christmas and I'll make sure it gets delivered to you."

After hearing this, everyone swarmed around the elf to give their orders for their presents. Somehow, Eliwood regained consciousness so that he could give his order.

"Hold on! One at a time! I need to write this all down!" yelled the elf.

Hector went first. "Can I get a really big axe. Like, a legendary one if you can get it? Oh, and can it have the power of thunder?"

"Absolutely lord Hector! I will make sure Santa gets on that. Next!"

Lyn came up next. She pulled out her Mani Katti and held it in front of the elf. "Can you get me a sword like this, only sort of different, but still the same? And can it be just a bit larger, without being too large?"

The elf was a little confused. "Um… sure?"

Eliwood was the last lord to make a request. He went up to the elf and whispered, "Can I have a huge sword that looks almost impossible to hold and weighs almost a ton, with the power of fire and can slay dragons by moving on its own?"

The elf nodded.

"Oh, and can you… make it bigger than Hector's axe that he's getting? You know, a few feet bigger?"

The elf grinned, knowing what Eliwood was getting at. "Can do lord Eliwood!"

With the lord's orders out of the way, he took orders from the rest of the troops.

When he was all finished, he turned to Eliwood and the other lords. "Alright, now if I can just get the signature of your tactician then we'll be all set."

"Why do you need his signature?" Hector questioned.

"Well, we need to make sure that these requests are okay with him, since he's the one who will be commanding you and how you use the things you have asked for. It's simple protocol for us elves."

Hector looked at the group on the main deck of the ship. "Hey guys, go get Jordan so he can sign for this."

Everyone went into the ship to look for the tactician. The group reassembled fifteen minutes later to report that the tactician was nowhere to be found on the ship.

"He hasn't come back yet?" asked Eliwood. "I didn't think it took this long to get a few supplies."

Hector was about to begin bashing Eliwood over the head again, but instead decided to yell to release his anger. "ELIWOOD HE HAD NO INTENTION OF COMING BACK! OUR TACTICIAN HAS GONE A-WOL!"

"You mean, he abandoned us?" Eliwood innocently asked.

A frown appeared on the elf's face. "Well, without proper authorization from your group's tactician, I can't give these orders yet."

Hector was fuming, but then came up with an idea. "Merlinus will be our new tactician!"

Ferguson laughed, "Sorry lord Hector but it doesn't work that way. It has to be your original tactician."

Hector then addressed his assembled group. "Get out there and find that tactician! I don't care if you have to beat him over the head with something or just pound him, get him back here! We'll break into groups."

Eliwood was the one to choose the groups. "Harken and Isadora, you are a group. Wil and Rebecca will be another group. Oswin and Wallace; Vaida and Heath; Kent and Sain; Legault and Matthew; Lyn and Rath; Raven and Priscilla; Canas, Erk, and Serra; Dart and Geitz; Marcus and Lowen; Guy, Karla, and Karel; Dorcas and Bartre; Jaffar and Nino (so Nino could keep an eye on Jaffar in case they found the tactician); Florina, Farina, and Fiora; Hawkeye, Lord Pent, and Lady Louise; Hector and I will be the last group. Let's go find that tactician!"

With groups now assigned, the members of Eliwood's elite took off in search of their runaway tactician.

* * *

'Phew, I think this is far enough from the ship. I don't need them taking me back there, so I'll head to a place where they'll never search, another country! I'll head back home to Etruria.' 

Jordan was now walking through the market in Hrichen, which was at about the center of the city. The marketplace was overly crowded, so it was hard to avoid bumping into people. In this case, the tactician ran into a passing Sage clad in a black cloak.

"Oh, sorry about… that…" He hesitated before going on his way again.

The Sage turned around and grabbed the tactician's arm. "Wait a minute, I believe I know you."

Jordan wrenched his arm free. "I'm sorry! I think you're mistaken!" Then he ran further into the massive crowd.

'I'm almost positive I recognize him from somewhere…' Then the Sage continued on his way.

'_Oh smooth, I'm sure that guy suspects nothing…'_

'Shut up you. I… I don't know him.'

'_Do I have to probe you?' _the voice in his head taunted.

'You are so damn lucky I can't grab you right now or I would strangle you…'

* * *

"Anyone found him yet?" Hector questioned. The group had been searching the port city for over three hours, and the tactician had yet to be found. 

"We got him!" Eliwood yelled.

Everyone rushed to where the lord had called out from. When they arrived, they found him sitting on the back of a black cloaked figure.

Hector's expression dropped. "Um… Eliwood you realize that's not Jordan don't you."

"Sure it is!" Eliwood beamed.

Hector smacked his forehead. "His cloak is black. The person we're looking for has a green cloak. Now get off of him and let him up."

"But, when I confronted him he ran!" Eliwood protested.

"I would run too if you started running at me and tried to tackle me…" Hector remarked.

Eliwood stood up and helped the young man up. Wouldn't you know it, it was the same Sage that everyone's favorite tactician happened to run into earlier.

The Sage stood up and pulled back his hood to reveal his facial features. He had green eyes and long blonde hair that had been tied back into a ponytail.

"Serra quit ogling him! You don't even know him" Farina reprimanded.

"But, he's hawt! How can I not! And besides, you were ogling him too."

"No I wasn't! Don't be ridiculous…"

Hector had to smack them both over the head with his axe. "Who cares who's ogling who. Anyway, sorry about that. We're looking for someone who's missing."

The Sage brushed himself off. "Yes, so I heard. I was mistaken to be this person."

"Yes, again I am sorry for friend's rash behavior Mr?..."

"The name's Sharn" the Sage replied. "And I believe I have seen the person you are seeking. I fact, I believe he is actually a former acquaintance of mine. He went this way, come."

Sharn began walking in the direction that he last saw the tactician heading.

"How do you know him?" Hector asked.

Sharn waved a dismissing hand. "There will be time for that later. We have to get to him before he gets too far for us to track."

The group then followed Sharn to "retrieve" their tactician.

* * *

Draknal: Wow. I have added a new character as many have guessed. And the groups that were assigned for searching had nothing to do with the pairings! 

Guy: Review his work please!

"**Reviewer Responses"**

**Windrider Sylvanon: **Thank you so much for the hug! And thanks for trying to save me from Jaffar. XD I'll make it out alive somehow I'm sure.

**Rio Hitzamure:** Yes, that speech made me feel the same way about French toast, ha ha. And yes, DOWN WITH NILS!

**Nightmare3:** Yes, this chapter introduced the newest character in this fic! I hope you enjoy the way that he has been portrayed so far. This was just an introduction to him!

**K-GForever:** Good to hear you like this fic. I also hope you like the "Advertising" done at the beginning of my fic. I am enjoying your fic immensely.

**Gingy Mittens:** Not to worry, Jaffar's just very very angry… Everything will work out alright! At least I hope so… heh.

**Northernsword:** Ah, tis true. Random can be a good thing, so we'll just have to watch this develop a bit more! And yes… Nils is very shady… because he's evil!

**Narakusnoone: **A new reviewer! Awesome. Yes, I managed to include the other missing characters in this chapter, if only a little. They will all play larger roles as this fic progresses.

**Aramin RVN:** A hot tub and some jello? Sounds like Bill Cosby's idea of a romantic setting. XD Sorry, couldn't resist. And people say my writing is random? Hahahahaha! Interesting review. I need to see more of these.

Draknal: Thank you all for reviewing and Happy Holidays to you all! I will get to work on my next chapter as soon as I see some reviews come in!

Karla: You know what that means people! So get to it!


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